Dissonance created while away

Forgotten

From personal experience I have learned that a long distance relationship is either an extremely difficult thing to be a part of or the best thing to happen to a relationship. For those lucky enough to remain steadfast, the end result is nothing short of a harmonic relationship filled with the best kind of love. But for those who are toyed with by distance the relationship ends slowly and painfully. This got me thinking about the reason why dissonance is created while there is distance between two lovers. There had to be something under the surface of it all that would explain this random but completely expected phenomenon. Personally I think that when you love someone to a point where you would even considering “going long distance” you’re either crazy, or crazy in love. I’ve been taught time and time again about the explanation of how communication between a sender and a receiver works. These are the basics: a sender encodes then sends a message through an environment full with what is called, “noise” to a receiver whom in turn decodes and sends a response. Obviously there are things that hinder the decoding like cultural background, personal life experience, or any stereotypes held against the sender. One of the most obvious hindrances is physical distance. Because in an environment free of body language, eye contact, tone in voice, communication stands little to no chance of survival. The vast majority of people understand this. They are the lucky ones who out of fear sever their ties to the one they once loved. But for us crazy ones we decide that we can overcome the challenge. Normally, we crash and burn. That's the surface. Digging deeper what do we see? Is that simply it? Are we missing anything? After a hussy with my girlfriend I realized that there is another reason why these relationships normally don’t work. It’s something that is the most obvious reason of them all. Simply put, we don’t like to be apart from the one we love. It drives us crazy. It makes us fight. And it also leads us down a path of life changing mistakes. So what do we do?

My answer: continue to fight, although the odds are against you if the end you seek is the end you receive your joy will be greater than the coward who ran from a fight.

A moment of clarity shrouded by chaos

As we began our final descent into Madrid's colorful Barajas Airport, I slowly push the window shade up into the interior of the plane allowing the sun to pierce through the stagnant darkness. As the sun pours in I squint. Through the rays of light and my glowing eyelashes I can see that we are approaching the ground. We are touching down in the middle of what seemed like a desert gifted with miniscule reminders of the water that once gallivanted across its floors. To me a golden treasure chest of experiences. Experiences to be had, experiences awaiting my eager mind's attention.

After landing in Barajas Airport we are plunged into a nearly empty airport. The plaster that once stood in the way of light now replaced by large windows and bright colors reflective of a rainbow. The floor gleaming from the sun's bath isn't not overly done, but balanced; the yin yang of industrial inspirations and post modernism. 

Through this sensual overload my mind was in a haze. Thoughts of God were fleeting at best and thoughts of why I was really in Spain seemed to quietly whisper against the boisterous overtone of excitement.

How do I reel in my mind when my eyes are feeding it caffeine? 

Focus

Focus

Focus on God after surrendering to him and all will be well. 

PS- Good Lord Mary I really miss you. I wanna see the world with you one day!! 

pouring into my soul the sins of my father

I grew up in a Christian house hold. Daily my mother and my father ensured that I knew that not only I was loved by them but also by God. It was something that I assumed was simply a fact due to my youth and ignorance of the importance of a relationship with God. But as I got older and I began to mature. I also began to see things that started my spiritual maturity's demise. I was an individual. I was an only child. And I had no long time friends, my parent's military career being the reason why. All of these things together made it extremely impossible for the "words" of my peers to simply Roll. Off. My. Back. At an early age I started to notice that even though for my parents career I wasn't any different than the people that I was around, I stood out. Blaring bad beats of belittled brainy babies, I became small within myself. Under the pressures of my peers unhelpful lies, the truth that my mother whispered into my ear became smaller and the voice that gave it so much meaning laid dead on the sick and soiled floor of my mind. Rigor Mortis freezing the dynamics of spirit.  How were the spiritual concepts that my mother tried to push into my realization going to take root again, when the gardener of my existence continued to pour burning acid onto my once fertile land? The inevitable happened. Sin took hold. Sin, under the influence of my society sunk its sharp and serrated teeth into my skin.  And once I thought my enemy was done, the venom that had taken so many lives, began to pour into my blood stream. Altering my perceptions and ideas of right wrong, acceptable and unacceptable. As my spiritual nervous system began to shut down, who God was to me, also began to fade. Like an apple that fell from a tree on the top of a hill, I began to fall. Quickly. Down. The Hill...uncontrolled. What to do? Do you allow the unbroken horse to unrelentingly embark on a  uncontrolled fit of sorts until its unending adrenalin, runs dry? Or do you attempt to stop it, potentially injuring it, making it un-useful?  God, in his infinite and perfect splendor knew what he was doing. Every stone laid. Every step taken. Every lesson learned. But if that was the case, then why was the run away train...still running away? God was working on not only me, but his kingdom and the position I would- One. Day. Take.

Awaken sleeper and take back what is yours

Waking up alone was never my thing. From the struggles that have defined me, to the victories that have elevated me, i have become this thing. This thing has no title but instead is defined by it's essence. Clothed in insecurity and fragranced with regret this thing has become me. I look through the cape of suppression to the skies and hope to see God, my creator, actively observing my existence. But when I look up I don't see my origin of life looking back at me. Where are you Lord? Have you forsaken me, or have you simply stepped back to observe my retention of your lessons? I wish that I felt complete. I want to fully understand who I am but my pure naked body is trapped and held captive by my emotions. I've dreamt of cutting off the bounds that bind. No... Burn them. Utterly destroy them to insure their historical revolt, that is so characteristic of them, would be spoiled. As my black brothers brought blaring bullets to the bigger but not better black opposers, I need to spray a solid layer of destruction over my fears, eliminating them, and ending their reign in my life. Their emotional superiority in my life has over stayed it's welcome. It's time for me to take control of my own life. 

Meet Mary!!

my goofran <3