I've been in Spain for 12 days 2 hours and 10 minutes and ever since the plane touched down I have been experiencing an abundance of emotions all reaching the tops of my peaks and falling as low as the troughs of my sentiment. Normally these variances in the waves of my being come from the responses I have received indirectly from those that surround me in reference to my appearance. But is that it? Where does all of this emotion come from? Where does the lack of confidence get its rise? Where does this temporary sense of confidence originate, and why does it fade so readily, abandoning me to the depths of my soul, which has been painted black by the abounding darkness of my past?
Where does the confidence that has been so characteristic of my life gone? I'll tell you this, it has never been there. Observing the short story of my life I've noticed that instead of my disposition being decided by my actions, it has been decided by the reaction of those around me to my actions. Inside, I have been empty--lacking any real definition. Constantly metamorphosing to fit the cast the world has set. The bright white walls of my soul remaining white, untouched by a single wet paint brush.
During this life, instead of defining who I was by carefully choosing the color and layout of my mind, I have always just left it blank. Instead of adding any real definition and depth to it I, like a chameleon, have simply changed what was on the outside to fit the environment that I was in.There. There I find refuge. Amongst the formless and shallow enigmas I am king. In a world of constant change I am the king of vacillation. Proud of it? NO! NEVER!
I have always been defined by those around me--down to the very clothes that I wear. Every moment has been carefully planed, organized, retouched, produced, reedited, and reproduced again, around the view of those who like fly fishermen, cast judgement. Once hooked I begin to observe what is acceptable--the hook in mouth ripping and tearing me along. Walk this way. Smile this way. Talk this way. Dress this way. Like a skilled craftsman I carefully chisel away any imperfection. I, like a painter, splash a bit of color to my skin. When it's served its purpose I do away with it. Erase the color, and destroy the finished sculpture.
Something that I at times forget is, every time I destroy the hard work I harm the true essence of who I really am. Every time a characteristic has become obsolete and then destroyed a bit of me goes with it. How far will I allow myself to go?
If I am supposed to be a Christian, I'm supposed to have my confidence securely attached to God. But instead of clinging to something everlasting, I decide to gravitate towards the temporal. Why has the confidence that has been the source of my reality only been defined by those around me who lack the spiritual connection to my father, God?
It is time.
It is time for me to break the bonds that have been vicariously placed upon me by my enemy through those around me. I am powerful. I am revolutionary. I am intelligent. I am free from the dictation of my peers, and beyond the control of the darkness that so easily takes its place on the throne of my mind. As I inhale I take in God. And as I exhale I pour onto the world the wisdom he has given me. Break free o sleeper from your trance. Realize your destiny and take hold of it. For once it is passed, it is passed.
